I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
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Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
may you live out your days in such a way that they can’t identify the body.
-old irish blessing
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that