I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
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Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.