Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

They did not miss in the small print

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?

I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.

My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.

me at the job i begged god for

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.