I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
You Might Also Like
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive