Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh the things that I’d do* to that man

*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.

Me two seconds later: Oh no!

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.

It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap

I really had high hopes for this year though

the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

the icebreaker

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”

We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.

They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.

*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms