@edgarrants

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

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@linkindrinkin

priest: you must atone with a hail mary

quarterback: howd you get in the huddle

@sageboggs

Worst flight I’ve ever been on. Waited for hours, plane never left the ground.. I’m never flying Airbnb again

@Grommit56

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

@KeetPotato

prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”

@Aerostars4Sale

SPECIAL COLUMBUS DAY SALE: For $300 you can drive one of our vans into Canada and claim you discovered it.

@Michael1979

Step 1: Join a group chat full of strangers
Step 2: Announce that someone in the group has been private messaging you pics of themselves in very snug speedos
Step 3: Answer no questions
Step 4: Leave

@UncleDuke1969

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.

@edgarrants

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

@CatherineLMK

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.