I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
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until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Meowchelangelo
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours