I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
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[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
A game married people play.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂