Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe

whelp that’s enough instagram for today

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.

I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.