I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
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Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
