Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

Before you take surf lessons, you have to sign a waver.

ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere

don’t ask me what my favorite tiktok is. that’s like asking me my who my favorite child is. i’ve never seen any of them before and i don’t know what they’re called

I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”

You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break