Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

Mothra: [flying around]

Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.

[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.