i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

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My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.


Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.


Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows


If two cannibals fight

Does that make it a food fight?


Whenever someone says they hate cats and they’re all shitty and snobby about it, I’m like, “Weird cuz you behave JUST like one.”


Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know


4: can we name the baby Yoko?

Me: well Yoko is a Japanese name

4: if the baby is Japanese can we name it Yoko?

Me: …

4: …

Me: yes


Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,



Everyone born in December.