i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
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Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
im gay on my mothers side