I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
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Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Dead sexy!!
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
the saddest jazz hands ever
