Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.

Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.

if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”