I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
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I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
“No way.” -Jose