Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later

Genius.

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further

My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions