Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

Men: Remember that time…

Women: Yes

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman