I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
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Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date
Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
my mom making me talk to relatives
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church