Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?

ME: ew, why you so jelly?

So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.

Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!

Me: Soup

W: That’s Queso dip!!

M: Cheese soup

Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?

Breakfast in bed.

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.

MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.

[First day as homicide detective]

* approaching murder scene *

Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……