I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
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[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
@funTweeters
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”