I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
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like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Storm Tropical Storm
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
selfie game
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*