I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
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A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
The USS B port
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.