I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
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H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Just a friendly reminder!
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids