Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad teaching me to drive

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.

guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?

I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

Fight

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.

Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.

Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?

getting old is fun

8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.