I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
You Might Also Like
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
