i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
You Might Also Like
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Erm…
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.