Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad

Me: so happy music makes me happy

Therapist: yea

Me: and sad music makes me sad

Therapist: yea

Me: and I’m sad

Therapist: yea

Me: therefore I should listen to sad music

Therapist: so close

<at a baptism>

*leans over*

Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”

Swiper (on Tinder): …

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions