Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.

[January 1, 0000]

Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?

Mary: so weird

Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.

My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.