I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
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A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.