I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
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When libraries troll their patrons.
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cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”