I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
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Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??