Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

Wife & son backing out in the car,

4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]

4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”

Barber: What can I do for you?

Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?

Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?

Me: Can you do it or not?

I don’t call myself pesky for nothing

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.