Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?

SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

can I use a minion as a tampon

Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.

Roombae.

I don’t have time to get to know you

Be cool immediately

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”

This coffee cake doesn’t seem to be helping my alertness at all

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.