Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

no

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

😂

ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about

KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?

ME: change the wi-fi password

KID: nonononono I’m sorry

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.

Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”