Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?

A bookworm!

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.

Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

Natural selection at its finest

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.