Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!

Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

A small tragedy.

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet

7-11 CLERK: what are you doing

ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

Only short people can save us

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute