Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good

Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

tag yourself

accurate

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

Namaste

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’

*finds $20 in the dryer*

*adds money launderer to my resumé*

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

During a calendar lesson today in first grade…

Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?

6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava