I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
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Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
is this a warning or an offer?
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
😏😏😏
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
