I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
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Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
me refusing to leave twitter
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey