I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
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[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
the battle rages on
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)