Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?

You make a compelling argument, Morty.

[something bad happens to me and I disappear]

Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

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Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

account balance: $1400

me at wendy’s: show me the square cows

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.

Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza