I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
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We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
listen closely
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”