Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:

Yeah sure what time

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

M: what’s this about, 007?

James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am

M: are you sure?

JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him

M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?

pigeon: coo

M: my god man, you’re right!

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.