I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
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Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.
In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*
In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?
“Wait, let me explain..”
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Mhm.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.