Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”

Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun

Me: What did you do at school today?

My kid: Nothing.

School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor

happy halloween

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

oh you wanna fight?!

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf

👍

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.

Me: It’s 6 am.