Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone

I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?

Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”

You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.

I think I’m being stalked…

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade

Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

[laying on the office couch]

Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”

Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.