I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
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all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
respect
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back