I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
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“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly