I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
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Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
SCARY COSTUME
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
#MeanwhileInCanada
