I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
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This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Pot warmers of the day.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves