In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
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Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
thank god the sign was there
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..