i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
You Might Also Like
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.