i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
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Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
not for long
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!