Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding

Me: I- I gotta know

Cashier: know what?

Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.

scan me

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot

the greatest twitter interaction

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.

Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.