“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
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Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst