I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.