Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?