I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
What’s so funny?
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.