Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’

Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

Sex is like ice fishing.

If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

Me: I need to lose some weight.

Fries: Let’s do it together.

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur