I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
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[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky