Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

*Tries to warm up car*

Car: I have a boyfriend

me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive

friend: flirting how?

me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??

Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.