I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
The news
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.