I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
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Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!