Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano

king: how would that hel—

advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”

ME: “Yes”

GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”

ME: “YES”

GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”

ME: “I’m out”

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about

KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?

ME: change the wi-fi password

KID: nonononono I’m sorry

I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.

Think I pulled my liver

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

*drinks Grey Goose

*adds bird fanatic to the resume

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”