I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
You Might Also Like
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
lumberjacks will cut a birch
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
podcasts
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!