I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
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Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end