*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
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When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
dutch so unserious
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I don’t get marriage
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
necessity is the mother of invention
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.