Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

multitasking lunch

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

could’ve been anyone

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Vladiator

HIM: Get out

I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”

TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

Google reviews are always so mixed..

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”

As an actor, I do my best work when jobs call me as a reference for my friends

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.