I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
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Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
“what that mouth do?” complain
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
If only
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse