I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
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It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
New Tinder profile.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Delightful if true: booby trap.