I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
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ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies